literature

Chuck Norris...Needs No Introductions!

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Published: Feb 3, 2016

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Literature Text

CHUCK NORRIS

Full Name: Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris
Age: Supposedly 75; possibly ageless
Occupation: Martial Artist, Action Movie Hero, Etc.
Affiliations: Expandables, Karate Commandos,Texas Rangers, Etc.

FEATS/FACTS

-Defeat many foes throughout his life and career
-Once got buried in a truck, used a beer to revive himself, then drove the truck out of the earth
-Ghosts gather around the campfire to tell Chuck Norris stories
-Even the Boogeyman is afraid of him
-His credit cards have no limits; he maxed them out
-Can force someone to fall UP the stairs
-Once caught all 719 Pokemon in Super Mario Bros with a Goomba
-Is the REAL reason why dinosaurs went extinct
-When he thinks, the universe expands
-Can delete the recycling bin
-Made a 3-sided square
-And many, many, many, MANY more facts and feats that would make this bio too long

STRENGTH
-When doing pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the Earth down
-Can kick a man so hard that he does six backflips

SPEED
-Is fast enough to run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head
-Only he can travel at negative distances

DURABILITY
-Survived eating an entire bottle of sleeping pills; all THAT did was made him blink
-Had also survived many things that no ordinary human should

MARTIAL ARTS

-Is a master of Tang Soo Do, Karate, Judo, Taekwondo, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and Chun Kuk Do (a martial art that he invented)

EXPERIENCE WITH FIREARMS

-Has great experience with using firearms, such as guns and bazookas...
-...that seem to have near-infinite amounts of ammo

ROUNDHOUSE KICK

-Chuck's trademark attack
-Powerful enough to produce destructive power roughly equivalent to the Big Bang

DEATH STARE

-Can stare a man to death with enough concentration

SHAPE-SHIFTING ABILITIES

-Can morph into animals, such as bears and eagles

THIRD FIST

-Has a third fist hidden in his beard

OTHER ABILITIES

-Can swim through land
-Can beat Paper, Rock, AND Scissors
-Can count to infinity... twice
-According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck can roundhouse kick you yesterday

WEAKNESSES

-Lost to Bruce Lee, because Bruce Lee is no joke
-Chest hair makes him easily grabable
-Does not have a flawless amount of victories

(Chuck Norris: If you come back and in here, I'm gonna hit you with so many rights, you're gonna beg for a left.)